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By KimOanh Nguyen-Lam, Ph.D., Certified EQ-i.2 Coach (LDS 382) 

The interpersonal component of emotional intelligence includes three subelements: interpersonal relationships, empathy, and social responsibility. 

Like the oil that that greases all the mechanical components in a car, enabling it to operate at its best, interpersonal relationships have the potential to disrupt or advance any endeavor in an organization. Interpersonal relationships are defined as the “ability to establish and maintain mutually satisfying relationships that are characterized by the ability to both ‘give’ and ‘take’ and where trust and compassion are openly expressed in words and behaviors.”¹ Social responsibility comprises “the ability to demonstrate social consciousness and a basic concern for others.”² Going a step further, empathy is the ability “to be aware of, understand, and appreciate the feelings and thoughts of others.”³  An empathetic leader has the ability to emotionally read other people and shows interest and concern for them even when he or she disagrees with or does not follow their rationale. Leaders who grasp what another person is thinking and feeling can offset any degree of tension that exists between them and their subordinates  and can forge a strong collaboration by demonstrating mutual respect, care, and concern.⁴

Lillian’s Story

Lillian, a young executive, had been in her position for only a few months. She had been on a fast-track career advancement based on her content expertise, reliable decision-making skills, and work ethic. She never hesitated to put in the extra hours or assume additional responsibility as needed. Her ability to analyze a difficult situation and accurately identify the associated risks and opportunities had helped the organization survive and continue to grow past various crises. In this new position, Lillian felt that she finally could afford to slow down and build a team that could support her and the organization in the long run. The résumés of her five high-level staff members reflected their deep expertise in their fields and years of experience; however, within a few weeks of being in the office, Lillian felt tension rising among her team members. Different people had been in her office with complaints about one another. Having to listen to personnel issues and resolving personality differences drained her energy. She tried to refocus her staff meetings on important issues and not get bogged down into who did what, when … but got nowhere. Lillian finally signed up for coaching and slowly began to see things differently.

Lillian realized that she had not taken the time and effort to build relationships with individual staff members. The tension and competitiveness came from the anxiety that staff felt about not knowing how to act around her and not knowing what mattered to her. On her way to her office one morning, Lillian made a detour and stopped by Sharon’s desk to say hello. It was not easy for Lillian to make small talk. She looked around and saw a picture of an elderly man next to Sharon’s computer and asked about him. 

With tears in her eyes, Sharon said that was her father who passed away last month. From the way Sharon described him, Lillian felt their special bond and said, “He sounded like a wonderful man, and you must miss him a lot.” Sharon looked up at her with a smile and said, “Yes, I do! But I was so glad to have been able to take care of him in those last weeks of his life. I’m sorry I had to leave work in the middle of the day sometimes, but he needed me!” Lillian thought back to the complaints from Sharon’s colleagues and realized that no one knew of Sharon’s situation. She felt that she had let both Sharon and others down for having not paid attention. The conversation with Sharon shifted Lillian’s priorities. 

Each day, Lillian made time to reach out to at least a couple of staff members to get to know them beyond their résumés. She put on her tennis shoes and joined Ron on his daily walk around the perimeter of the office. As they walked, they talked about whatever they felt like, just getting to know each other better. Jennifer liked to show Lillian her young children’s pictures and told her what they were up to. Lillian understood that these young children were Jennifer’s highest priority. Both Daniel and Kathy had college-age children, so they loved to tell Lillian what to look forward to as her teenager was starting college next year. She heard the pride in their voices and congratulated them on raising successful young adults. 

As Lillian began to build these personal relationships, she felt the previous tension dissipate. She made sure staff knew that they may leave work at any time for family matters as long as they let their colleagues know to cover for them. Lillian developed the capacity to tune in to her staff’s emotional well-being and demonstrated social responsibility. She invited staff to share their “life happens” stories at the beginning at their meeting; there they laughed or chuckled at each other’s tales and became more supportive of one another. Her meetings became on-point and productive. She was on her way to creating a team that would shine in times of trouble.

Ralph’s Story

Another leader in the organization, Ralph, dreaded each year when it came time to complete the annual performance evaluation for his team of 12. He believed his staff carried out their tasks reasonably well as professionals and thought that giving them a “Satisfactory” mark was just; however, it always felt like a battle each time Ralph met with individual staff. Invariably, they were upset, and some even felt insulted getting the “S” mark. Ralph wondered why they put so much weight on this rating. When Ralph talked to his coach, he was asked about his relationships with his staff. Ralph felt that they were good. Then he was asked to consider how his staff would respond if they were to rate his relationship with them: Would they likewise think it was good? Ralph was startled because he had never considered their perspectives. It had never occurred to him that it mattered. Did they think that he was a good boss? Did they think that he was fair, caring, and supportive as a person and as a leader? Did their perspectives have anything to do with their perception of the “S” mark? 

Through coaching, Ralph began to see the imbalance in the “give” and “take” relationship he had with his staff. He viewed all their reports and task submissions as part of their professional obligation—without thanking them for their work. He only let them know if any correction or addition was needed. He rarely gave them constructive feedback or recognition for their effort and time. He assumed that when no correction was needed, they would know that they did a good job. He rarely asked for their opinion or input on things that he found challenging and that his staff might know. Ralph realized that he did not give himself the opportunity to learn from his staff. It dawned on him that they felt insulted with a “Satisfactory” mark because they expected more of themselves, and he did not give them the opportunity to grow and develop. 

Ralph suddenly saw his staff in a new light, and it changed his behaviors and interactions with them. Gradually, Ralph learned to allow himself to express his doubt, hesitancy, and lack of knowledge in front of staff and asked them for their input and assistance. He gave individual staff thoughtful feedback and constructive suggestions on their work as well as public accolades to acknowledge their efforts and achievements. When it was time for the annual performance review, several staff members earned higher marks and those who were rated “Satisfactory” accepted it without a fuss. Best of all, Ralph felt a strong sense of camaraderie among everyone. Being able to rely on staff’s expertise lightened Ralph’s workload; having the opportunity to extend themselves gave staff the opportunity to grow. By becoming an empathetic leader, Ralph shifted an adversarial relationship with his staff to a collaborative one. 

 

¹ Steven J. Stein and Howard E. Book, The EQ Edge: Emotional Intelligence and Your Success (Ontario, Canada: John Wiley & Sons, 3rd Edition, 2011), 125.
² Ibid., 147.
³ Ibid., 135.
⁴ Ibid., 142.